Pirates Vs Ninjas – The age old question is finally answered in today’s Glow Stick Chronicles: The Ninja and the Transvestite Pirate Wench.

Each year, the Death Guild’s Thunderdome has been a staple of my Burning Man experience. The smell of sweat, fear, and burning propane from the giant geodesic dome is like nothing else. With spectators perched atop the structure; they gaze down at their gladiators fighting for glory. Two men enter – one man leaves!

That being said, today’s story involves a ninja and a transvestite pirate wench, but lets not get mixed up in a conversation about gender identity.

photo from Flickr by naturalturn

It was dark by the time that we had made it down to the Thunderdome. The sound of the cheering crowd broke through the loud music pumping through the speakers. As we made our way to the front, there stood the two combatants. On our side of the dome stood the ninja. The shirtless towering beast of a man hopped about on the balls of his feet. His muscles smeared with the dust of a previous fight. He looked calm as his girlfriend offered him patient and encouraging words.

“Would you just go kick his ass so we can get out of here – I want to go dancing”

The man adjusted his Naruto headband, grunted and turned to face his competitor, sending his girlfriend into a tizzy.

Across the ring stood the wiry pirate wench. He looked like Sid Vicious in a wig and pirate drag. His lipstick was smeared across his stubbled face, and his torn and dust covered chamise had seen better days. Slamming back the remains of a random bottle of booze he let out his battle cry.

Normally, the warriors are attached to bungie cords and hop around the ring with padded bats. But this time, the two adversaries stepped in to the center of the ring and the announcer introduced the match. At least a foot taller, fifty pounds heavier, and at least half a bottle of booze less drunk – the ninja had a clear advantage.

The gladiators circled each other kicking up little clouds of dust as the minutes passed. Taunting the ninja, the pirate wench lifted his skirt and shook his ‘Jolly Roger’ with the fury of a thousand krakens. Infuriated, the ninja pounded his fist and charged towards the pirate who in turn scurried away. This back and forth continued on endlessly. The crowd growing tried of the stalemate began to murmur words of frustration. Suddenly, as if tapping in to that moment’s zeitgeist, a voice cried out from the other side of  the Thunderdome.

“FIGHT OR FUCK!”

credit: Audrey Penven

It was a call to arms! The crowd was in a frenzy chanting and beating theirs fists against the dome. This was extra little bit of motivation each had needed and they charged in to battle.

The fight only lasted a split second, and by the time the ninja knew what had happened he was on the ground. Entangled in the transvestite’s fishnet covered legs he had succumbed with an arm bar submission hold. It was pure fucking magic.

The pirate lept to his feet, and raced over, claiming his fresh bottle of booze to the jubilant cheers of the spectators while the ninja laid motionless on the ground in a mix of dust, shame and shock. He staggered to his feet in time for the pirate wench to be announced as champion. Disgraced, the defeated warrior returned to his girlfriend who stood next to me. Her kind and supportive words will stay with me always.

“God, you’re such a loser – can we go now?”

Emasculated, he climbed out of the Thunderdome and disappeared into the crowd.

I guess it turns out that Ninjas only have one weaknesses – transvestite pirate wenches.

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