Now for the Don’ts. Possibly more important than the Do’s in terms of not playing yourself. The Do’s are somewhat about having fun, where as the Don’ts will actually prevent you from becoming festival scarred and having bad times.
10. Don’t Leave Your Drink Unattended:
Ok, this is partying 101 right here. Nevertheless, there is always some horrible tale I am forced to endure about someone doing this and falling prey to a roofie-coloda. If you are old enough to drink this should have already been implanted into your grey matter years ago. Don’t they teach this shit in schools now? Don’t let your drink leave your sight. To do so is one of the many forms of festival Russian Roulette.
9. Don’t Scalp Tickets:
Before you start whining about the Burning Man ticket lottery maybe you should re-think your logic of buying extra Shambhala tickets and selling them for $1000 each. How do you think the lottery system was born. As soon as the man has to get involved the magic leaves the festival.
8. Don’t Forget, What Happens at the Festival Goes on the Internet:
Yep it’s true. If you want to walk around topless that is fine and dandy, but keep in mind almost every person has cameras, and all pictures go straight onto facebook and other social media sites. This could make for a lot of potentially incriminating evidence.
Pictured above: Grown men suckle boxed wine out of the crotch of another grown man – hilarious, AND on the internet!
7. Don’t go Barefoot at the Stages, Especially at Night:
Ok, so maybe a lot of people haven’t puzzled this out. The stages are construction sites up until the day you guys arrive. True story. They don’t materialize from unicorn dust sprinkled by rave fairies. Carpenters build them with power tools and nails and shit. Nails get lost. People try to find them, but I am willing to bet there are a few chilling somewhere just waiting for a bare foot to savagely pierce. On top of that, at night no one can see your feet, and people are messed up. If you wanted a good stomping and some broken toes when you are trying to have fun, then go for it! What really gets me is the people who choose to go barefoot at the stages then act all indignant when they get stomped. You guys are idiots. Also, the people who go barefoot at Burning Man. There’s this little thing called Playa Foot, trust me you don’t want it. You don’t know what’s lurking in the mud or dust, just put some f-ing shoes on please. P.S. that ‘dust’ at Shamabhla contains a fair amount of cow shit. I would wager the mud does too.
6. Don’t Find Yourself in a Poo Graveyard:
Unfortunately, many of us have experienced this fate. It is a direct result of messed up people not being able to face the night time port o potty. Festival goers tend to find a secluded area to drop a deuce rather than potentially face the other dude’s turd on a seat, another all too regular occurrence in the party scene. The biggest problem with these secluded areas good for pooping is that they are also good for a lot of other stuff, like watching the sunrise, making out, having sex or partaking in other clandestine activities. The last thing you want happening while you are enjoying that sunrise is the odour of human poop wafting into your nasal cavity, or even worse, the sun to illuminate a whole bunch of brown smeared tp strewn about the shrubs. Eeeeeek! The first question in your mind should not have to be ‘oh God, where is the log that goes with that?’
Pictured above: A friend mans up and extracts a log from our river spot with a plastic bag, Shambhala opened the gates literally hours before this happened. Poo Graveyards come quick.