All You Need is BASS

Festival Do’s and Don’ts: A Guide to not Playing Yourself


I am sure that we have all felt like we had “the best time ever” at a festival. We have also most likely participated in some pretty bad party fouls, sometimes simultaneously. It is no secret to my group of friends that I have spent the last few years documenting said party fouls into an amusing encyclopedia of anecdotes which I spout at every possible opportunity. As a service to you, the festival goer old or new, I have spent the last several weeks compiling this illustrated list of Do’s and Don’ts. There is an extremely fine line between winning the rave and playing yourself. This guide will help you walk that line. Please enjoy.

 

 10. Do Bring a Rave Blanket:

Ah, the rave blanket. There is nothing better than catching an amazing sunrise set from the comfort of your luxurious rave blanket with friends. It’s time to take those shoes off, kick back, and relax. The rave blanket is a great addition to the side of a daytime dancefloor, or the shores of a festival beach. You may earn new friends, or creepers that you don’t really want around you. Chances are good that many friends will be around your rave blanket, so it won’t leave room for roving douchebags to hop on a corner. This may be the only acceptable place to exercise dirt napping (see Don’t #5)

Pictured above: Friends jam out on a rave blanket to the chagrin of jealous onlookers with no rave blankets.

9. Do Spend all Weekend Attempting to Coin Hilarious Slogans With Your Friends:

You may come up with a bunch of unfunny stupid stuff, but you also may come up with comic gold. It probably doesn’t sound funny to you, but one weekend a friend kept saying beep beep beep beep boo boo boo boo boo to the tune of Benga and Coki’s track Night and I still laugh about it. When you have to go back to work “Notonin style” it will be hilarious things your friends said that will get you through the mundane 9-5.

Pictured above: A funny quip gone rogue . “Cool Story Bro” has taken on a life of its own

8. Do be a Responsible Parent:

If you are going to make the choice of bringing a child to a festival you should not be consuming everything that just so happens to cross your path. You need to be alert and on point constantly. You need to get those little soundproof earmuffs, and you can’t let said child out of your sight!! It annoys me to even have to write this in, and if this is what’s telling you to care for your kids you should probably have them taken by a foster family because you are an idiot. I have seen A LOT of horrible parenting at festivals, but also a lot of amazing loving moms and dads doing it right.

Pictured above: Mama’s bundle of joy is warm and soundproofed. Hooray!

7. Do Bring Multiple Pairs of Shoes:

One pair of shoes at a festival really doesn’t have a lot of range. I learned this at my very first Shambhala the hard way. Wearing shoes into the river to protect your toes from the rocks then having to sport them all night while they are soaking wet is a great way to earn a bunch of blisters and bad times. As if your feet won’t be tired enough after marathon dance sessions. Also, even though rubber boots might seem like a pain to lug around they are well worth it if the party turns into a mud fest. I carried a pair for about five years before I had to use them, and  felt pretty sorry for the folks that didn’t have any.  Wet feet are a quick way to the land of defeat.

Pictured above: Clown Shoes are not very versatile.

6. Do Have Pointless Contests:

This is a pretty fun way to spend time at festivals. Some of my favourite festival contests have included “The Dewdney” at Connect Festival in Saskatchewan where all the guys grew disgusting “Dewdney” mustachios and judged them a whole bunch of gross ways including scratch and sniff stickers inside pairs of Hannah Montana underwear pinned up on walls. Another favourite was the “Shirtless Champion” contest, where entries battled it out to see who could go the longest without taking shelter in a tent or any structure, using scarves, or wearing a shirt. We are talking 48 hours of bare torso action, The winner received a sweet belt and a bacon double cheeseburger cooked by the previous year’s Shirtless Champion. “Pick it up Put it on” is another gooder. Everyone roams around finding ground scores and adding them to their ensemble. FYI some girl’s old tutu SHOULD NOT go on your face, even if it makes funny moustaches and sideburns.

Pictured above: Shirtless Champion Belt, facial hair made of a random tutu, Dewdney Underwear

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